She's really gone now

It was very simple, elegant and beautiful. She would have loved it. It was done by a retired Catholic priest at the chapel at the funeral home. I was struck by the fact he said the eternal rest prayer kind of backwards...rest eternal, light perputual. I guess it doesn't matter but it was odd. She did not want a traditional Catholic funeral. We had lovely music which had a Cape Breton/Irish sound to them as she was from Nova Scotia. The flowers were lovely and upfront displayed during the funeral was the scrapbook layout I made and the urn my dh turned. He read the eulogy. I can only imagine how hard that was. Catherine cried. That made me cry. After the service we went outside and each child had a balloon and released them. We watched them fly away to Grandma Kay in heaven until we couldn't see them anymore.

I learned a few things

1. You never know when it is your time. Stillborn-110...whenever God wants.
2. Signs and miracles do happen. There have been a few. The oddest being the funeral home is 2 blocks from the house Kay and her husband built, the house my dh grew up in. The eulogy papers were in BIL hands and they flew out of his hand. Over the roof tops onto the lawn of the house they grew up in. All 8 pages of it were together.
3. Appreciate what you have. More is not always better.
4. In the end all you have what counts in family.
5. Life is short. Don't waste it.

My little queen

The youngest (Catherine) I call the queen. I have since she was born. She said the other day she wants her balloon to float up to heaven for Grandma Kay. I thought that was a good idea so yesterday I bought some helium filled balloons and the kids are going to do that after the funeral.

Also her teacher told me she was crying about it in class. She hasn't cried as far as I know. Which suprises me because I told her when we cried.

Anyways the funeral is today and I know God will be there with us all as we go through this hard day.

Miracles...or signs

Last night we watched a movie on tv. Signs with Mel Gibson. I wanted to see it before but never got around to renting it. The two older kids watched it and loved it. It was about aliens invading and how the humans eventually won.

There is a scene in the movie where Mel talks to a boy about two types of people. One believes in miracles the other doesn't. The boy says he believes in miracles. Mel says he doesn't (which was odd because he was a priest). Mel goes on to say when his wife died (I guess he must have converted to the Catholic faith then) she told Mel to tell this boy to swing away. Mel believed it meant her neurons in her brain were firing rapidly and she was remembering when the boy played baseball as a child.

Later on as they are fighting the aliens Mel remembers this. Sees a baseball bat and tell the boy to swing away. He grabbed the bat and did. He saved them. So it wasn't some random thing this dying lady said. It meant something.

I work in a nursing home. I am the charge nurse. I often sit with them during their last minutes. I have looked after hundreds of people as they are dying and probably with with a dozen while they died. Some are peaceful and calm. Those are the ones we say are going to a better place. Some are writhing and screaming. Those are the ones we say are going someplace worse. I have no way of knowing if any of this is true. I am just guessing from my faith.

This morning I laid on my couch looking at my bird feeder wondering. I wondered about my mother in law and where she is. I said if she is in heaven God let me see a blue jay or a cardinal...and within seconds a blue jay showed up. We don't get a lot of blue jays or cardinals so it truly was a miracle.

I believe in miracles. I believe things happen for a reason. Some things I have a choice in...like what I am wearing today but I have no choice in whether I can afford those clothes. I could have been born in Africa.

I am not rich. I survive. I can pay the bills. Yes I can make choices regarding that but I really don't have a lot of options. I do make good money but my husband was injured in a car accident and cannot work. The choices I could make is to leave and find a husband that will provide better. But that is not a choice.

I believe in the miracle part. God gave me this lifestyle for a reason. What it is I just have not found out yet...but I will.

Eternal rest grant unto her , O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon her. May she rest in peace. Amen."

My MIL died early Sunday morning.

Alphabet tag

The theme for this meme is that using the 26 letters of the alphabet you will express who you are, what you do, your interests, what matters to you etc….and you have to write it within 26 minutes…I haven’t seen this anywhere, though I’m sure it’s so obvious an idea that other bloggers have done it before!

Rightio, I’ll start us off….

A...anxious
B...baker
C...catholic
D...drinker of coffee
E...exciting
F...fair skinned
G...girl
H...hard worker
I...itty bitty (short)
J...Jennifer :)
K...kitchen chef
L...loudmouth at times
M...mother
N...nurse
O...openminded
P...planter (gardens)
Q...queen around this hosue
R...relaxed (only when sleeping)
S...scrapbooker
T...toxic at times
U...Udderlly impossible to live with at times
V...vocally loud at times...quiet at other times
W...watercolours (I like to paint with them)
X...XO
Y...yellow...I will be if my liver fails from all these meds
Z...zany!


Let me know if you play

Tom made me think

Tom has a post up that made me think. He wrote that saints often have suffered moments of doubt and despair. I knew that. But it re-inforced the concept to me. Made me feel a little bit better about today. But some days I have doubts....

I often feel alone and abandoned. I feel unloved. I just can't see why God loves me. I wonder why he has left me. Why am I here. What purpose do I serve. How can I even try to meet his needs so why try. I feel like giving up because I am tired of trying. I wonder if he is really here or is it a story. I find it hard to fathom why I suffer so much if God loves me. I know God doesn't make suffering, man does...I did read that book by the Jewish Rabbi...When Bad Things Happen To Good People...it's a great book. But I still feel all those things.

Sometimes I feel that I need proof God existed. Scientific proof. If they found the ark. If they found the holy grail. If...only if.

I wonder what death is like. I sometimes think it is like a puppet master playing with us and when it's all over he'll laugh at us. I think working with death all the time I have a different view than other people. Funny thing is that death has become such a common occurrence it's no big deal to me anymore. Until it's someone I love.

I remember when my best friend's mom died a few years ago. I almost quit nursing. I was so saddened and heartbroken that I personally couldn't save her. I am not a dr...I know but truth is that in hospitals most dr's do what the nurses tell them. Nurses know and learn about the floor they work on. Anyways, I felt like a failure and if medicine couldn't prevent this heartbreak and sorrow I didn't know if I wanted to do it anymore. But I stayed and I am glad I did.

But I always put aside those doubts and return back to my faith. To my rock and fortress. I compare the death of my friend's mother to the sorrows Jesus faced when his friend Lazarus died. To the sorrows of Mary.
I compare the despair to what Jesus faced knowing his fate. To the despair his friends and Mary had during the last day.
I compare the feeling unloved to how Jesus felt when his own people turned against him.
When I am lonely to when He was in the garden and the disciples were sleeping.

And I feel good knowing I am able to use all these things and relate them to the gospel stories. Perhaps that is my purpose in life...to help others see there own doubts, short-comings, faults and errors are no different than what the man who changed history faced.

May....month of Mary

I've been doing some extra prayers and novenas for this month of Mary. It brought me great joy to see the above picture in a colouring page done by Catherine in school.

Last year I planted a bleeding heart...I thought it died. It is barely making it. Hopefully next year it will do better. Last night I planted a new version of a bleeding heart and an octopus bellflower in honour of Mary. Hopefully they do well.
I did my planters, planted a bunch of seeds, new perennials and I still have my annuals to plant in the front flower bed. When it's all done I'll post pics :)

I'll stand by my beliefs

On a parenting forum I go to (where everyone happens to be the world's best parent) someone asked if you will give condoms to your teens.

I answered. No. I will not encourage the pill either. My oldest is almost 15. I have drilled into her head to wait until she is married. That condoms and the pill go against God's wishes...I use the bible passage in Genesis to show her. I tell her the teachings of the church. I tell her about teen pregnancy, STD, HIV etc. I tell her that when you have sex it is to create life and you should not interfere with God's plans. Most of all I tell her about the emotions involved with sex. How girls especially can get hurt emotionally.

I can tell her my beliefs, I can refuse to provide her with condoms and the pill but what she chooses is up to her.

Basically that is what I posted word for word. Guess what...I am niave, my head is in the sand, I am stupid, hopefully I will be a grandma at a young age. Did I practice what I preach...a bunch of mean stuff.

I wrote back and said I am not niave. My dd knows about birth control but she also knows my view points, the Church's and both our beliefs. She is fully informed and can make her own decisions. I must be doing all right raising her because she is 15 in a few months...she has no boyfriends, doesn't talk to them on the phone, comes straight home after school, rarely goes out, doesn't drink, doesn't smoke...the worst thing she does is hog the computer with her SIMS game and drinks my pop.

And you cannot compare my prior sexual acts to what I am teaching now...one I wasn't Catholic and two I was raped at 14 so things would be alot different. Sexual assault survivors are never the same after the attack.

It really burns me that I post a Christian orientated thing and get jumped on. But someone who posts that they are having an affair because there husband isn't paying enough attention to them gets applauded. Grrrr. Think it's time to find a new forum.

Anyways I just wanted to post. In a way I am glad for standing up for what I believe. I rarely post on this forum but just read it. This time I posted, knowing full well I was going to be the one who had a different opinion than everyone else but perhaps one person will at least think seriously about what I wrote.

Wow...

205 words

Speed test

perhaps I should have been a secretary instead of a nurse.