Monday, May 19, 2008
Tom made me think
Tom has a post up that made me think. He wrote that saints often have suffered moments of doubt and despair. I knew that. But it re-inforced the concept to me. Made me feel a little bit better about today. But some days I have doubts....
I often feel alone and abandoned. I feel unloved. I just can't see why God loves me. I wonder why he has left me. Why am I here. What purpose do I serve. How can I even try to meet his needs so why try. I feel like giving up because I am tired of trying. I wonder if he is really here or is it a story. I find it hard to fathom why I suffer so much if God loves me. I know God doesn't make suffering, man does...I did read that book by the Jewish Rabbi...When Bad Things Happen To Good People...it's a great book. But I still feel all those things.
Sometimes I feel that I need proof God existed. Scientific proof. If they found the ark. If they found the holy grail. If...only if.
I wonder what death is like. I sometimes think it is like a puppet master playing with us and when it's all over he'll laugh at us. I think working with death all the time I have a different view than other people. Funny thing is that death has become such a common occurrence it's no big deal to me anymore. Until it's someone I love.
I remember when my best friend's mom died a few years ago. I almost quit nursing. I was so saddened and heartbroken that I personally couldn't save her. I am not a dr...I know but truth is that in hospitals most dr's do what the nurses tell them. Nurses know and learn about the floor they work on. Anyways, I felt like a failure and if medicine couldn't prevent this heartbreak and sorrow I didn't know if I wanted to do it anymore. But I stayed and I am glad I did.
But I always put aside those doubts and return back to my faith. To my rock and fortress. I compare the death of my friend's mother to the sorrows Jesus faced when his friend Lazarus died. To the sorrows of Mary.
I compare the despair to what Jesus faced knowing his fate. To the despair his friends and Mary had during the last day.
I compare the feeling unloved to how Jesus felt when his own people turned against him.
When I am lonely to when He was in the garden and the disciples were sleeping.
And I feel good knowing I am able to use all these things and relate them to the gospel stories. Perhaps that is my purpose in life...to help others see there own doubts, short-comings, faults and errors are no different than what the man who changed history faced.