Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Something I realized

I am bipolar.
I have problems with my moods.
I was very stable until recently when dh and I broke up.

Lately I have been feeling down. Worrying that I'd get into a deep, dark pit again. I have been trying really hard, doing everything I can not to go there but I worry about how this will affect my dk's. Reality is I have enough support and such a great handle on my illness I shouldn't worry about my dk's.

I was talking to my neighbour the other day. I told him that at least he still has a relationship. He has the illusion and hope of a good relationship. I don't have that anymore. He said I have the chance at a new and better relationship. That really hit home.

My relationship with dh wasn't good. I had wanted to leave. I had wanted him to leave. I had wanted us to go for counselling but he wouldn't. I felt stuck and trapped. I knew God wouldn't want me to leave the relationship. For me the only valid reason to leave is abuse or adultry. I prayed to God to help, to show me a sign, a way out. He did.

I just didn't understand it until I looked at it in the right way.
I now can see His plan. I can see it.

Funny how things have a way of changing us when we understand.
I feel more at peace now...better about myself.
Hopefully I can avoid the pit now.


Flanders said...

It sounds like your neighbour is a very wise and caring man, a good christian soul.

(That made you smile, didn't it??? Hehe)

I am so glad to hear you are feeling better, sometimes all it takes is a different perspective on things.

Barbara said...

Jennifer, I hope you don't think I was out to criticize you with the post I wrote last night. Nothing could be farther from the truth....I was only trying to express how I felt for that little girl and all she was going through. I know it's a tough time of year for your family for the same reason, and I am holding you in my prayers each day.

ukok said...

Jennifer, I have struggled with depression in my life and I know how easy it is to fall back into that big black pit. Keep your eyes on your Father in Heaven. Rely on Him when you feel you have no strength.