Todays Gospel

As I read the bible readings for today I wondered how I would have reacted.
As a nurse I would find it hard without scientific answers on to how it happened.
Don't know if I was there if I could swallow it.
It is easy for me to accept now and today.
I've learned it all my life, never questioned it, it's a matter of faith.
But if it actually happened how would I be.

I'm sure I would be the first one to feel the wounds and see the bones.

I was also struck by the irony of watching Sherlock Holmes which has a resurrection scene during the Tridium. Kind of a side note but the thought did cross my mind.

Planning my funereal

Maybe it's because I work in long term care and see so many people die. Maybe it's because I want to control everything to the very end. Whatever the reason I've picked out the hymns and verses to be read at my funereal. I found a really cool website that you clicked on what you want and at the end it prints it out for you. I copied down all the hymns and passages and then found out which ones I wanted at my funeral.

I do not want amazing grace.
I do not want the 23 Psalm.

I have made that very clear to my husband. I just feel they are over-used.

I had a hard time picking an old testament reading. There were so many good ones to choose.

And I left instructions for the priest to do all the talking. I don't want family members up in the church saying stuff.

The one hymn I knew for sure before I started all this was that when I leave the church they will play Ave Maria. It's my favourite. I saw a bunch of priests singing it on EWTN last month and it made me cry. It's such a beautiful song and they did a great job singing it.

Friday : feast day of St. Thomas

I have not been to mass in close to 2 mths. I was manic and couldn't sit still long enough to go. I figured I'd try Friday since it's a short mass and not a lot of people. I was wrong. I forgot about adoration and I didn't realize it was the first Friday.

Anyways during my mania I do weird things. This time I looked up a lot about the jewish faith. Maybe I am suppose to be jewish. I doubted the whole Jesus story at a time.

So the feast day and the readings really touched me about the doubting Thomas. And when the line was read blessed are those who believe but who have not touched me...i knew i was blessed.

Psalm 22

When I was in grade 5 The Gideons gave us a Bible with the New Testament and the Psalms in it. I remember reading the 23 Psalm once and finding the 22 Psalm. I realized the parallel between The Passion of Jesus Christ and that Psalm right away. Last night I was reading it again and was drawn again to the parallels. I am left wondering if the Psalmist realized what was to come? Did God inspire him with a vision of The Passion? Throughout the whole Psalm the person begs for God's help in ending his suffering. What exactly would have happened if God did save Jesus? Removed him from the cross alive? Stopped everything? Took the cup away from Jesus? How would things be different now?

Just a few things rolling around my head early this morning. :)

I should write something

It's been so long since I've posted. Ash Wednesday seems so long ago.
Easter was wonderful, lent was great. I did a lot of reading and soul searaching which has probably got me through the bad times of recently.

I still have not finished the Dolorous passion...it takes a long time to read, process and digest. I did get The Way which is easy and I use it for thoughts of the day.

I also got a book on Catholic writing. I plan on posting some of the stuff on here from the book.

The writings of St. Ambrose remind me so much of Shakespeare. Very difficult to understand.

It's been a year since my mother in law died. God rest her soul. And four months since my friend died. She still had one large cross and three smaller ones at her grave, one from her husband and three from her kids. I still cry about it.

I've been sick, can't sleep at night. Up at 3, back to bed...missed Mass a lot. Good thing they have a service Tuesday nights.

I'll try to update with something a little more interesting later on. :)

Ash Wednesday

I do not make resolutions at New Years. I start thinking about Lent then...so it's been almost 2 mths I've been pondering what I am going to do this year.

I am focusing on a few areas. Some are to increase my spiritual life. Some are for penance reasons. Some are to gain things and to lose other things. It is a time to reflect and refocus. To see where I can improve and what things I plan on continuining.

This year I have decided to pray more. I want to try different types of prayer.
I have a devotional book to follow.
I want to get a copy of The Way and The Dolorous Passion.

I want to give more to others. My patients at work. It has become work...a job. Not something I enjoy. I want to reconnect with why I chose nursing and incorporate it into my spiritual journey.

I want to slow down life and enjoy the moment.

I need to re-evaluate my wants vs needs. I am planning on not going on Facebook or blogging. It takes up too much of my time and is a want...not a need. I want to take that time and focus on more important things.

I also am giving up chocolate. Need some type of penance!

Todays Sermon

Was about our calling to our vocations. Not just religious vocations but what we do in life. I am a wife, a mother and a nurse. Those are my callings. God had called me to these things as part of his plan. He has a reason for each of these jobs I perform.

At the end of the sermon somehow Father worked in a memo from Satan. He was talking to his legion of demons on how to keep Christians away from Jesus and developing a deepened relationship with Jesus. Some of the things were working long hours, destruction of our family as we are working and no time for family. Financial ruin by the wants of people. Buying too much because we want it, not need it. The constant bombardment of music, video, media which is not biblical in nature. The basis of this memo was ways to busy the Christians with things to keep us away from Jesus.

It was great timing because I've been thinking of those things myself and how the whole basis of desire, want, envy can have such terrible results in our lives.

It was a great ending to the sermon. I wish I had recorded it so I could remember everything he said. Perhaps I will ask for a copy of it when I go to Mass on Tuesday.

The Christmas Concert

Last night was my children's Christmas Concert. They do go to a Catholic school and it was held in a church.

I guess the first thing you need to know is that I can't stand these events. The noise, the loudness, the disruption all bother me. It is stimulation overload for me and my fragile psyche. The concert is for my children so every year I go. I realized next year I am taking some Ativan before I head out.

Last night was no different...in fact I think it was louder than usual but I survived. And my youngest dd's (I call her the queen) class did a wonderful job. It honestly was the best song in the whole program. And at the end of the program the whole school got up and sang a song. It was great. They did it in a chorus and I was suprised at how well it sounded.

What really bothers this traditional girl is the fact that for 12 years they have never done the nativity story. They loosely refer to it with bits and peices. I remember back to when I was a child and we acted out the nativity story each Christmas. I remember the thrill when my doll was baby Jesus. I miss that. Now at my children's concerts they don't even sing hymns. The closest in 12 years was away in a manager. All the hymns have been replaced with what I call secular Christian Christmas songs.

My youngest is in gr 1. I pray that by the time she is finished the school will just once act out the nativity story with appropriate hymns.

I guess I should just be thankful for what it is. It could be worse...it could be a holiday concert not a Christmas one.

Today....

Is my birthday. I really don't like my birthday...or holidays. I find myself sitting here thinking of what I don't have. What I didn't do, etc. You know...the whole cycle of self pity.


Then the thought occurred to me: I am where I am suppose to be. God wants me right here, right now for some purpose.

After I realized that my whole self pity cycle disappeared and the day got a whole lot brighter. I need to stop and realize all God has in plan for me and embrace what he has given me.

It was a sign

I have not been to Mass for a while.
At first I couldn't go because my back was too sore. It really was physically impossible.
And then I just didn't bother.
And then it was hard to go back. I felt everyone was going to tell me to leave, that I was a terrible person for not going.

Well I went tonight.
And when I heard the gospel reading I had a few tears fall down my face.
The parable of the Lost Sheep.

Francis

Years ago I took my youngest daughter to the pet store and we bought a Siamese fighting fish. She named it Francis after St. Francis. She said "he's the saint of pets you know Mommy". She was almost 3 at the time.

Well Francis has gone to the big fish bowl somewhere. He got sucked up in the filter in the aquarium. (Thing fell apart and nobody noticed). I'm going to miss the red guy. He was my favourite fish. He would always hang out at the bottom near the plants and come up during feeding. It just isn't the same without him.

Different religions

This morning I was looking up Bugs Bunny cartoons on youtube. In the related search part I saw a video on mormons. I clicked on it and was watching videos on Mormons. One of the things I hate about internet searches is the fact I am not sure if the things I am learning are real or not. I know a lot of the stuff is people's opinions and not fact. I also know that a lot of the religious beliefs will not be advertised because they are "way out there". Kinda like an exorcism in the Roman Catholic faith.

Today I read that the mormons have many gods and goddesses. That humans can become gods by being perfect. That I am not sure if it's true or not, but it made for an interesting day of thinking.

I also read that their priesthood can be traced back to Jesus. Another thing I'm not too sure of and I'll probably ponder that one at work tonight.

I do like to spend a lot of time looking up other religions. I think it strengthens the beliefs I have in my religion. I think it brings me closer to God.

I grew up Lutheran. I never totally agreed. I remember the first thing I disagreed with was the communion beliefs. It said in the Bible this IS My blood. Not it changes into, not it represents. Funny how that main difference in the religions is what I questioned even before I realized their were different religions. That truly was the main reason I pondered leaving the lutheran church. It is the main reason I became Catholic. The more I researched it I found I agreed with the teachings of the Catholic church.

I honestly think one of the drawing points for me is the fact that it can be traced back to St. Peter. Name by name for over 2000 years. Also I don't think God made a mistake with Christianity and the Roman Catholic church. It was not a mistake that stayed that way until Martin Luther changed it. I don't believe God makes mistakes.

Serioius voting questions

What if all the canditates are pro-choice and you don't want to vote for them because of that.

Or if the only canditate which is pro-life has policies on the environment you can't agree with.

Basically there is no one to vote for...besides running myself what do you do? Vote for who think will be the least of the evils. Just not vote or spoil the ballot?

Any suggestions.

I have to say this

I don't know if I've ever mentioned this before but it's bugging me again.
I have a few patients at work that are Catholic. Most of my patients are mennonite because of the area but we do have a few that are not mennonite.

One Catholic man in particular stands out. He pays every Sunday for transportation to go to and from Mass. It's about $50. He also gives alot to the church every Sunday. He also sits there at the table telling the other residents he is better than them because he's Catholic and that only he is going to heaven. He belittles them and is very mean to them. He is also very mean and horrible to the staff, yelling, impatient and swearing at them. He once tore a strip off of me because his pills were 30 min late because I was dealing with a man who was dying. It just really bothers me because obviously this man is not acting like a true Catholic. He might think he is but he's not. To me he is trying to buy his way into heaven.

We have another lady who is a strict traditional Catholic. She does not accept the Vatican changes and will not attend Catholic Mass or communion at our home. She also is mean and nasty.

It just strikes me as odd that they seem to forget love your neighbour as yourself. They seem to forget that Jesus loved the lady at the well who was not Jewish. They just don't act like a Christian.

As you go about your day today ask yourself if you are truly acting like Jesus would want.

She's really gone now

It was very simple, elegant and beautiful. She would have loved it. It was done by a retired Catholic priest at the chapel at the funeral home. I was struck by the fact he said the eternal rest prayer kind of backwards...rest eternal, light perputual. I guess it doesn't matter but it was odd. She did not want a traditional Catholic funeral. We had lovely music which had a Cape Breton/Irish sound to them as she was from Nova Scotia. The flowers were lovely and upfront displayed during the funeral was the scrapbook layout I made and the urn my dh turned. He read the eulogy. I can only imagine how hard that was. Catherine cried. That made me cry. After the service we went outside and each child had a balloon and released them. We watched them fly away to Grandma Kay in heaven until we couldn't see them anymore.

I learned a few things

1. You never know when it is your time. Stillborn-110...whenever God wants.
2. Signs and miracles do happen. There have been a few. The oddest being the funeral home is 2 blocks from the house Kay and her husband built, the house my dh grew up in. The eulogy papers were in BIL hands and they flew out of his hand. Over the roof tops onto the lawn of the house they grew up in. All 8 pages of it were together.
3. Appreciate what you have. More is not always better.
4. In the end all you have what counts in family.
5. Life is short. Don't waste it.

My little queen

The youngest (Catherine) I call the queen. I have since she was born. She said the other day she wants her balloon to float up to heaven for Grandma Kay. I thought that was a good idea so yesterday I bought some helium filled balloons and the kids are going to do that after the funeral.

Also her teacher told me she was crying about it in class. She hasn't cried as far as I know. Which suprises me because I told her when we cried.

Anyways the funeral is today and I know God will be there with us all as we go through this hard day.

Miracles...or signs

Last night we watched a movie on tv. Signs with Mel Gibson. I wanted to see it before but never got around to renting it. The two older kids watched it and loved it. It was about aliens invading and how the humans eventually won.

There is a scene in the movie where Mel talks to a boy about two types of people. One believes in miracles the other doesn't. The boy says he believes in miracles. Mel says he doesn't (which was odd because he was a priest). Mel goes on to say when his wife died (I guess he must have converted to the Catholic faith then) she told Mel to tell this boy to swing away. Mel believed it meant her neurons in her brain were firing rapidly and she was remembering when the boy played baseball as a child.

Later on as they are fighting the aliens Mel remembers this. Sees a baseball bat and tell the boy to swing away. He grabbed the bat and did. He saved them. So it wasn't some random thing this dying lady said. It meant something.

I work in a nursing home. I am the charge nurse. I often sit with them during their last minutes. I have looked after hundreds of people as they are dying and probably with with a dozen while they died. Some are peaceful and calm. Those are the ones we say are going to a better place. Some are writhing and screaming. Those are the ones we say are going someplace worse. I have no way of knowing if any of this is true. I am just guessing from my faith.

This morning I laid on my couch looking at my bird feeder wondering. I wondered about my mother in law and where she is. I said if she is in heaven God let me see a blue jay or a cardinal...and within seconds a blue jay showed up. We don't get a lot of blue jays or cardinals so it truly was a miracle.

I believe in miracles. I believe things happen for a reason. Some things I have a choice in...like what I am wearing today but I have no choice in whether I can afford those clothes. I could have been born in Africa.

I am not rich. I survive. I can pay the bills. Yes I can make choices regarding that but I really don't have a lot of options. I do make good money but my husband was injured in a car accident and cannot work. The choices I could make is to leave and find a husband that will provide better. But that is not a choice.

I believe in the miracle part. God gave me this lifestyle for a reason. What it is I just have not found out yet...but I will.

Tom made me think

Tom has a post up that made me think. He wrote that saints often have suffered moments of doubt and despair. I knew that. But it re-inforced the concept to me. Made me feel a little bit better about today. But some days I have doubts....

I often feel alone and abandoned. I feel unloved. I just can't see why God loves me. I wonder why he has left me. Why am I here. What purpose do I serve. How can I even try to meet his needs so why try. I feel like giving up because I am tired of trying. I wonder if he is really here or is it a story. I find it hard to fathom why I suffer so much if God loves me. I know God doesn't make suffering, man does...I did read that book by the Jewish Rabbi...When Bad Things Happen To Good People...it's a great book. But I still feel all those things.

Sometimes I feel that I need proof God existed. Scientific proof. If they found the ark. If they found the holy grail. If...only if.

I wonder what death is like. I sometimes think it is like a puppet master playing with us and when it's all over he'll laugh at us. I think working with death all the time I have a different view than other people. Funny thing is that death has become such a common occurrence it's no big deal to me anymore. Until it's someone I love.

I remember when my best friend's mom died a few years ago. I almost quit nursing. I was so saddened and heartbroken that I personally couldn't save her. I am not a dr...I know but truth is that in hospitals most dr's do what the nurses tell them. Nurses know and learn about the floor they work on. Anyways, I felt like a failure and if medicine couldn't prevent this heartbreak and sorrow I didn't know if I wanted to do it anymore. But I stayed and I am glad I did.

But I always put aside those doubts and return back to my faith. To my rock and fortress. I compare the death of my friend's mother to the sorrows Jesus faced when his friend Lazarus died. To the sorrows of Mary.
I compare the despair to what Jesus faced knowing his fate. To the despair his friends and Mary had during the last day.
I compare the feeling unloved to how Jesus felt when his own people turned against him.
When I am lonely to when He was in the garden and the disciples were sleeping.

And I feel good knowing I am able to use all these things and relate them to the gospel stories. Perhaps that is my purpose in life...to help others see there own doubts, short-comings, faults and errors are no different than what the man who changed history faced.

May....month of Mary

I've been doing some extra prayers and novenas for this month of Mary. It brought me great joy to see the above picture in a colouring page done by Catherine in school.

Last year I planted a bleeding heart...I thought it died. It is barely making it. Hopefully next year it will do better. Last night I planted a new version of a bleeding heart and an octopus bellflower in honour of Mary. Hopefully they do well.
I did my planters, planted a bunch of seeds, new perennials and I still have my annuals to plant in the front flower bed. When it's all done I'll post pics :)

Wow....

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